Do I Still Breathe?
by Indy'sEndymion
Summary: This is a short fiction story which contains a poem. It takes place in the Legends universe. Luke has just been given grim news and he must try to keep himself from turning to the dark side. Tionne eventually encourages him to use art to work through his feelings. Spoilers for the Legacy of the Force series, especially for Sacrifice. [Updated 7/31/16 - Restructured and complete]
1. Part I

This takes place in the Legends Expanded Universe.

 **There are spoilers for the LotF series, especially for** _ **Sacrifice**_ **.**

Author's Notes:

Okay, so here's my short fiction/songfic/poetry fic. I like the content but the writing is really not good except for the poem (well, I like the poem I mean, and hopefully you do too), but I have to get over my writer's block somehow so this is me trying to do that.

1\. Part Three is the poem. In it I use the word "bequeath"; I believe there are two ways to correctly pronounce that word. I've always said it with a soft 'th' at the end, and that is how it should be pronounced when you get to it.

2\. "Blast shock" is a term I've made up to mean PTSD. The term mixes "shell shock" with "blaster", as in fire from blasters or x-wings/other starfighters . I'd like to someday write a longer story about Luke having PTSD from all the war he's been through. The pro-fic books portray him as if he's untouchable when it comes to this but I believe after all he's seen and experienced, even with the Force as his aid, he'd still experience PTSD. If another author had the same plans to write about this (and in fact I'd love to read some stories about that), feel free to use that term. If you do, this isn't necessary, but it would be kinda nice to note that the term is from me

3\. Part Two is a songfic. The song is "Halo" by Beyonce. The only lyric that should be changed in that song is when Beyonce says "I swore I'd never fall again"; for this story think of that in your heads as "I swore I'd never fall for you".

4\. It's been a while since I've read the Legacy of the Force series and I don't remember how Luke found out about Jacen killing Mara, other than that Ben figured it out. I also don't remember if the temple on Coruscant was operational during this point in the war, but it is in my story. If this doesn't sync up with the plot or details of the series, I apologize.

5\. Of course, please feel free to review. Thanks for reading! Oh and for those who started reading my other Star Wars story – forgive me for not updating it in forever. I've terrible writer's block but hopefully doing this short story will help.

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars and I make no money off of the following story.

* * *

A long time ago in a galaxy far,

far away….

 **Do I Still Breathe?**

 **Part I**

 **Chapter I**

 _40 ABY, Jedi Temple, Coruscant_

 _09:00:05 hours_

"Master Solusar, what's happening!?" The young Jedi apprentice, a zeltron girl around the age of 12, shrieked in fear. There was a trickle of blood running down her shoulder from where she'd been swept off her feet and hurled into a wall. The cut was minor and the blood was quickly fading into her deep red skin. The terror in her brown eyes was building, rather than fading, however, as she felt the darkness surround her. Every Jedi in the temple could feel the anger and hate erupt around them – alternately cold as Hoth then flowing hot. The walls shook and the very ground on which the temple was built rumbled. The temperature dropped ten degrees. Dust, pieces of flimsy, and other small objects flew around the building at velocities so fast that every Jedi had to take refuge. They all had the same idea, which was to gather in the largest inner room on the main floor of the temple. It was a very large meeting room that had five enormous holotables which were bolted to the floor. They served well for working out strategic battle movements.

"Is it a volcano?" the girl asked Master Solusar. She was running, half tucked under the arm of the silver-haired Jedi Master, when a chair sailed past them and crashed to the wall behind them.

"There!" Master Solusar pointed to one of the large tables at the center of the room. "Take cover there! And no, young one, there are no active volcanoes on Coruscant."

"Is it an earthquake?" Another apprentice shouted from the doorway. The wind whipping around was making it difficult to be heard without shouting.

The young human male apprentice had come running into the room and he quickly dove under the table, joining Master Solusar and the girl. He was soon followed by most of the other Jedi who were in the temple that day. Luckily, they numbered only 22, as the other Jedi were off fighting various battles in the war. The Jedi knights and masters that were present at the temple had gathered to either strategize or recuperate from injuries they'd sustained from fighting in the civil war. There was ample room for all present to take cover under the tables in the room.

Master Solusar shook his head to the boy, "No, I don't think it's an earthquake. This feels different. It's not natural."

Masters Kyp Durron and Tionne Solusar entered the room. Kyp quickly took cover under a table near the wall and Tionne squeezed beside her husband.

"Kam!" Master Kyp Durron shouted, "You don't think this could be a hurricane do you? I don't think it is but…" Kyp was at a loss for what this could be. It couldn't be a hurricane because there were no oceans on Coruscant to produce them. And, even if somehow it could happen, hurricanes didn't typically whip objects around an indoor room. No, this was something else entirely. And it reeked of the dark side.

"No, Kyp – "Kam replied, "I don't know what this is! I know I've never felt power like this before though. It's too immense. It's too much." He shook his head and whispered "Too much, too much."

"Reach out with the Force." Tionne instructed. "You all know what this is." Master Tionne Solusar had the least raw Force ability of anyone in the room, young apprentices included, but she was the most perceptive, and the most willing to be honest. She said, with her heart wrenched and her eyes beginning to tear, "You know who this is."

Kam's stomach began to twist in knots. He took his wife's hand. Kyp's face turned pale. As the other Jedi in the room reached out and felt what the cause of the dark maelstrom was, their own faces reflected the knowledge. Only the two apprentices remained unaware.

"Masters," the girl started, her voice hesitant, "what – or who – is this?"

Just then a red-haired boy entered the room. He walked in slowly, his head down and not paying attention to the shaking ground or the whirlwind around him. With his shoulders hunched, he looked like the oldest fourteen-year-old in the galaxy. He raised his head. His blue eyes were wet with unshed tears. "It's…" his voice cracked.

Tionne rushed to him and took him in her arms. "Say it." She put two fingers under the boy's chin and gently raised it. Even more gently, she said, "Say it, Ben. They need to hear you say it so they will believe."

Ben Skywalker clenched his eyes shut as his heart broke. "It's my father."

* * *

 **Part I**

 **Chapter II**

 _08:53:59 hours_

Luke Skywalker had never felt so angry in his entire life. Angry was an understatement. This was pure, unadulterated, hate-filled rage. Luke was in his quarters on the uppermost level of the Jedi temple, with two thoughts running in a constant loop through his mind. _He took my_ _Mara_ and _I'm going to kill Jacen._ He hadn't wanted to believe his son at first, but when Ben had laid out the evidence, he knew he was right. Luke ran a shaking hand through his grey-blonde hair. There was no doubt that Jacen needed to be stopped. So the only two options were to one, kill him, or two, redeem him. Could he be redeemed? Luke barely considered the question. He didn't want to redeem Jacen. He wanted to kill him. _I'm going to take his head off with my lightsaber._ The rage inside the Jedi Grandmaster grew until it began to shake the ground and rattle the walls. _Mara._ A vortex of wind began whipping around his body as he stood in his room. _No, that's too painless. I'm going to bash his head into the ground until his brain spills out of his skull._ Small tendrils of blue Force lightning began to loop around his fingertips. _Mara._ Luke put his left fist through his bedroom wall. _No, I won't be able to feel that enough. I'm going to put my hands around his throat and squeeze until I feel the life drain out of him._ The thought pleased him. _I think I understand dear old dad more now. Mara Mara Mara. That's why he liked to choke people so much – his rage was so great that the only thing that abated it was feeling the instant he snuffed the life out of someone._

Luke took a deep breath, blinked, and then looked at his mechanical hand. He turned his gaze to his son, who stood in his doorway. "Ben," He gazed at his son's red-gold hair, such like his mother's. _I didn't want this to ever happen._ He looked into his boy's frightened sky-colored eyes. _I love you._ _I'm sorry._ "run."

* * *

 **Part I**

 **Chapter III**

 _09:00:43 hours_

Both children gasped, their expressions turning quickly from shock to disbelief. "No that can't be!" the boy said. "It can't be Master Skywalker. He's too... too…"

"He's too _good_." The girl finished the boy's thoughts for him. "Master Skywalker's Force energy never feels like this. It's always as bright as the biggest sun. It's always so… _Light_. This just can't be him!"

The dark energy was intensifying even more, and more chairs flew around the room and smashed against walls. One headed straight toward Tionne. Just before it hit the back of his wife's head, Kam took hold of it in the Force and sent it sailing passed her. Tionne grabbed Ben Skywalker, hauled him to his feet, and made him dash for the table.

"Ben," she said, now safely beside her husband once again, "what happened?"

Ben shook his head sadly, "He snapped. I told him who really killed mom. He didn't believe me at first but then I presented _evidence_ that it wasn't Lumiya. He finally sees now. He knows. And he's going to kill him."

"Who killed your mom, Ben?" The young female apprentice asked.

Kam, Tionne, Kyp, and all the other Jedi stared at Ben, waiting for him to respond.

"It was Jacen." Ben hissed. He shook his head hard, as if to shake the knowledge from his head. It didn't work. "My own master. My own _cousin_." Ben's tears now started to fall. "Once dad saw that it was the truth, this… this dark side energy just started to rise inside of him. He tried to hold it back. I watched him struggle to keep it at bay. But then he just… he just couldn't hold it anymore. I've never seen him so angry. I've never felt him like this."

Tionne squeezed Ben's shoulders. "Keep going, Ben."

"You know the worst part?" Ben sniffled, "The moment he realized he couldn't hold it back anymore, he looked at me. His eyes… I don't know, but there was this despair in them, and a disappointment – like he was failing me – and then there was a fear. I've never seen my dad afraid of anything and he was afraid. I think he knew he was falling and he was afraid because he thought he couldn't stop. Then he told me to run."

"So what do we do?" Kyp shouted. "If Luke has turned to the dark side there's not one of us who could stop him. If he decides he wants to burn the entire galaxy, he could, and we couldn't do a damn thing about it!" Kyp's eyes were wide with the realization that Skywalker rarely demonstrated even a quarter of his power. And all this time he'd thought he came close to Luke in power, but now he saw he was nowhere near close. It was like comparing a flashlight to a lightsaber.

The two young apprentices began to silently cry at the thought of their beloved, kind-hearted master turning to the dark side.

"No," Tionne said quietly. She'd begun to reach out with the Force even more when Kyp was speaking. "We won't have to try to stop him in that way. Luke hasn't turned to the dark side. Can't you feel it?"

The other Jedi reached out their minds to their master. They reached through the raging storm of anger and hatred, and saw into the man it was coming from. Ben's eyes popped open when he felt it. He smiled, "You're right Master Solusar! I can feel it, my dad's still there. He's angry and hurt, but he hasn't turned. I'd feel if he'd changed into something else. No, it's like he's still him – still on the Light – but he's being battered inside and out from the dark." The other Jedi nodded at Ben's description. It seemed to them as well that their master was still there. Only the apprentices were once again left wondering, because they hadn't had the strength or the experience to push through the darkness to see inside.

Ben turned to the Solusars. "He needs help!" He began to despair again. "How can I help him?"

"I think I should go to him and try to talk to him." Tionne said.

"No, Tionne – you can't! It's too dangerous. He's too dangerous right now. I'll go. " Kam said.

"Masters…" the zeltron girl said.

"If anyone should go it should be me – " Kyp said, "I think I have the best chance of defending myself in case it should come to that."

"Kyp," Kam replied, "I understand you want to help, but we've got to get him to step down the hurt he's feeling from the loss of his wife, and you've never been married so you don't know what it's like to lose the other half of your soul."

"Kam, Luke's been our friend for ages, but of the two of us he's more likely to open up to me so I have the best chance of talking him down." Tionne reasoned.

"Masters…" the apprentice said again.

"Neither do you – Tionne's right there!" Kyp snapped at Kam.

"Well if anyone can get through to him, it's me." Ben said.

"Masters!" the girl yelled. All the Jedi in the room turned to look at her. "I don't think it matters. I can feel Master Skywalker getting closer and closer. He's on his way here."

* * *

 **Part I**

 **Chapter IV**

 _09:04:22 hours_

Luke stood in the doorway of the inner meeting room. He gazed at the Jedi gathered there, hidden under the tables. They were hidden from him, he knew. The knowledge made him feel gleeful that they were frightened of his power. The glee turned to guilt almost immediately. He didn't want them to be afraid. These were his friends, and there – underneath the center table – there was his son. The light inside Luke that was nearly snuffed out flickered and held on.

 _Mara._

He turned on his lightsaber.

* * *

 **Part I**

 **Chapter V**

 _09:04:22 hours_

Ben Skywalker didn't think it was possible after the death of his mother, after the betrayal of his cousin, and after what he'd witnessed minutes ago in his father's quarters, but his heart broke even more as he saw his father standing in the doorway with his lightsaber drawn. So this is it, he thought. This is the end of my father. I've lost my mother and now I'll lose him too. _No. There is still good in him. Master Tionne just showed us. I just have to get him to see it._ Ben crawled forward until he was no longer under the table. The vortex of wind around his father whirled faster. He stood up and yelled "Dad! Don't do this! I love you," Ben's voice broke, "Please come back into the Light!"

* * *

 **Part I**

 **Chapter VI**

 _09:04:22 hours_

Luke saw his son crawl towards him on the floor. "Come back to the Light", he heard. He considered; but what had the Light ever done for him? It wouldn't bring his Mara back. It wouldn't take his pain away. It wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of killing his nephew. Oh, he could certainly take Jacen without having to use the dark side's easy access to power, that was for sure. Jacen was extremely powerful and very knowledgeable about the Force, but still, he was no match for Luke – he could crush his nephew. But killing Jacen without the use of the dark side wouldn't allow him to _enjoy_ the kill. And Luke very much wanted to enjoy it. What man wouldn't take pleasure in the death of his wife's murderer? Normal men would. Why, Luke thought, did he have to be an exception just because he was a Force user? He was tired of being good, and tired of doing the right thing all the time. _Give in._ Luke twitched as he remembered the words of the Emperor all those years ago. _Give in to your anger._

But then, just as in all those years ago, the Emperor's goading voice in his head actually made him pause.

Luke turned his eyes to his son where he found tears streaming down the boy's face. He looked at two of his oldest and dearest friends – Tionne and Kam. They had both come out from underneath the table and were standing on either side of Ben. They were afraid, but even more than being afraid, they were sad and disappointed. It was pouring off of them in waves. Luke didn't like that.

 _Let's end this then._

Luke threw his lightsaber. The green blade sliced through the air on a perfect trajectory toward Kam.

* * *

 **Part I**

 **Chapter VII**

 _09:04:36 hours_

The Jedi watched in horror. Kam was quick but Luke had thrown the lightsaber with a Force boost and it was moving too fast for Kam to react. The lit blade came within a nanosecond of slicing Kam's hand off when suddenly the blade shut down and the handle landed in his grip.

"Kill me." Luke said.

Kam recoiled at the thought. "Master Skywalker – Luke – I'm not going to kill you."

Items were still flying around the room and the wind vortex was still whipping, albeit more slowly than before.

"You have to, Kam. If you don't, you know what will happen. It's what I've been afraid of ever since I was 23 years old." Luke walked up to Kam and fell on his knees in front of him. He looked up at his friend, his eyes red and wet with tears, and he begged again. "Please Kam, for the good of the galaxy. And for me…"

"Luke," Kam said, his face stricken, "please fight it. Fight for yourself, and for your son. I know you're lost right now, but look at what is happening." He pointed to the young apprentices who were still hiding under the table, staring at their beloved grandmaster. "You're frightening them. They still need you. Ben still needs you, and well, hell, I still need you. Please Luke," Kam's voice became a whisper, "please fight."

Luke, still on his knees, straightened his back and tried to let the small bit of goodness inside himself grow. But in his head he just heard _Mara Mara Mara_. He screamed in anguish and then looked up at Kam.

"Dad!" Ben Skywalker knelt down next to his father and grabbed his forearm. "Please dad, don't leave me here alone."

Luke shook his son off of him and pushed him away. He couldn't look at him now. He was doing the right thing by giving his life up before he turned to the dark side, but he couldn't do the right thing if he looked into his son's eyes.

"You think the right thing is giving up!" Ben heard his father's thoughts and screamed at him.

Luke didn't address his son but looked instead at the friend who held his life in his hands. "I can't fight this anymore Kam, I can't. Ben's right, I am giving up. But I've got no fight left in me. I'm tired… so tired. My whole adult life has been war. One war after the other, friends and family dying left and right." His pitch rose as he remembered the horrors of war. "Kriff, I've had Blast Shock since I was 19. Nightmares, flashbacks, seeing the bodies pile up around me while I keep on living. Well I've kept on and kept on. But now Mara's gone and," Luke's voice grew harsh, "my own nephew took her from me! All I want to do his hunt him down and feel his last breath leave his body with my hands around his throat! No one else is powerful enough to stop him. I have to do it, but if I fight him I will turn to the dark side. I will take too much pleasure in his death to not turn." Luke grabbed Kam's forearms and squeezed his eyes shut and in a ragged half scream, said, "Don't let me turn into the nightmare that's haunted me since I was a young man. Help me, Kam, please!"

Luke tilted his head back so Kam's hand was sideways right under his chin. His eyes were still looking into Kam's. He moved his hand on top of Kam's and pressed down so Kam's thumb turned the lightsaber on. The blade elongated centimeters away from his throat. "Kill me, my friend."

Kam grimaced, shut his eyes tightly for a moment, and then opened them. He nodded his head. "Okay, Luke."

"No!" Ben made a move toward Kam. He was ready to tackle the elder Jedi to the ground but suddenly he froze in mid-air. He turned and looked at his father, who was holding his bloodied left hand in front of him, fingers spread wide. He was holding Ben in place. In fact, he was keeping all the Jedi in the room where they were with a strong Force hold. None except Kam were being allowed to move.

Kam's hand shook as he moved it back, getting ready to strike. He decided he would do this for his friend, but he would not strike his throat as Luke seemed to want. He didn't know if Luke thought he deserved to be beheaded for his actions today but that was not going to happen. Instead he was going to plunge the lightsaber through his friend's heart.

Kam stepped back and gripped the lightsaber handle with one hand. Green blade ablaze, the lightsaber was inches from Luke's chest. The other hand was on Luke's shoulder, holding him steady. All Kam had to do was thrust the saber forward and it would be over. "Are you ready, Luke?"

Luke's breathing quickened and he began to tremble. Every self-aware creature in the galaxy, at the moment of death, felt fear. Even the great Luke Skywalker was no exception, and the fear shone through the pain in his eyes. Yet he knew he was doing the right thing. He couldn't control himself now, couldn't stop himself from turning. He would be one with the Force soon. And he'd be with his Mara. Luke looked at each Jedi in the room one last time. He nodded at each in gratitude, lingering the most on Tionne and his son. Then he turned to Kam and nodded. "Yes. I'm ready." Luke looked at his son and tried to steady his breathing. He wanted his boy's beautiful face to be the last thing he saw before his eyes closed for good. "Shut your eyes, Ben."

"Goodbye, my master and friend;" Kam spoke one last time, "thank you for what you have done for us all."

The room was nearly silent. Only the sound of Luke Skywalker's last few ragged breaths could be heard as Kam drew his saber arm back and then thrust it forward.


	2. Part II

**Part II**

 **Songfic – "Halo"**

 _09:05:23 hours_

A beautiful melody rose through the air. Tionne had begun to sing. It was not an elegy for her fallen master, but instead, the gift of hope. At the sound of her voice, her husband's hand was stayed with the blade mere millimeters from Luke's chest.

Luke turned to Tionne and loosened his Force hold on her. She walked to him and placed her hand on her husband's wrist, bidding him to shut the lightsaber down. Kam did so, and then stepped back and allowed Tionne to kneel in front of Luke and place both hands on his shoulders. She sang to him the song that his wife had sung to him before their wedding. It was a private song between husband and wife – Mara's gift to him. It was a song of Mara's gratitude and faith and love she had for her Luke. Luke's mouth dropped open as he heard Tionne sing the words. How did she know this song? And then he felt the Force flowing through him from Tionne's hands on his shoulders. It was Tionne's soothing presence, but it was also something else. "Tionne, what – ?"

Then he felt it. _Mara_

He saw in Tionne's mind how Mara had made a holocron of the song and had given it to Tionne. Tionne was the Jedi archivist, and Mara had wanted to preserve this song so that future Jedi could see why Luke's New Jedi Order did not forbid attachments as the Old Order had. She'd wanted to show that love made the Jedi strong.

And so Luke felt his wife's love flow through him by way of Tionne's voice. He heard again after so many years the words his wife had sung to him. She'd told him in the song that he was her angel and her saving grace. And how his Light had hit her like a ray of sun, and how it had burnt through any darkness in her and had shown her how to live in the Light. She'd told him that his Light was so bright that she could see a halo around him. And she'd told him that she hoped it never faded away.

As Tionne continued to sing Luke felt his anger subside. The dark storm of hatred inside of him became like a light summer rain. Luke thought of the day Mara sung the song to him. They'd gone to his home world shortly before their wedding because he'd wanted to complete an ancient Tatooinian pre-wedding ritual with her. They'd stayed at his old homestead, and she'd stood in front of him barefoot in the sand on the ridge outside the house. Her sea-blue silk nightgown had looked like an oasis against the barren desert. He had been wearing just sleep pants. A light breeze made her red-gold hair flow behind her, and, as dawn broke, the midnight blue sky behind her melted into a gorgeous array of purple and orange. He had stood before her and she'd looked deeply into his eyes and simply sang. Her voice was crystalline. When she'd finished, Luke had breathed to her that no, she was the one who had saved him, and she was the angel. Sometime in the middle of her song he'd started to cry because he'd been so moved, and he was worried that she'd think less of him for doing so. When Mara opened her mouth to speak he'd braced himself, thinking she'd say something rather caustic about it, as was her way. Instead she'd shown him another side of herself – a side that she only showed to him, he realized later – and she'd placed her hand over his heart and said only "I love you, Luke. Your Light is my hope. Don't ever lose it." He'd taken her into his arms then. His bare chest had pressed against her as her silk gown slipped to the ground. Best friends, lovers, soul mates. They would be together again. The light summer rain in his heart evaporated as he began to blaze with love and Light from his beloved wife.

Luke blinked as the last notes of the song came from Tionne's lips. He and Mara would be together again. But not yet.

Tionne took her hands and placed them on either side of Luke's face. "Mara once said that all it took to lift the Emperor's veil from her eyes was a long walk in the forest with you. That after she had come to know Luke Skywalker, it was easy to step into the light. Be that man again, Luke."

Luke nodded, and, with deep gratitude, he hugged his friend. He thanked her and looked up at Kam and gave him the same grateful nod. Luke was still on his knees, though he was now resting on his heels. He felt too overwhelmed to get up just yet so he stayed there for many moments.

All the other Jedi in the room moved from underneath the tables to surround their master. They offered their silent support by simply standing as if in guard around him while Tionne moved out of the way and allowed Ben to rush in and give his father a crushing hug that rivaled a Wookie's in strength. Luke let himself feel his grief, and he did not hide his tears any longer.


	3. Part III

**Part III**

 **Chapter I**

 _40 ABY, Jedi Temple, Coruscant_

 _00:00:03 hours_

Luke Skywalker woke, startled. He glanced at his bedside chrono and saw that it was three seconds past midnight. He'd been having a nightmare about his nephew, Jacen Solo. He hadn't witnessed his wife's murder but in his nightmare he saw Jacen strike Mara across the face and Mara had retaliated in kind. Then Jacen had shot poison darts into her and she sank to the ground, whispering "Luke will crush you." Luke got out of bed and began to pace. He wrapped a blanket around himself because he'd awoken in a cold sweat, and now he was beginning to shiver. He ran a hand through his damp hair and walked to his kitchen to make himself hot chocolate. His insides still felt torn to shreds, but his anger and sadness was controlled now.

After Luke had recovered enough from his fight with the dark side enough to stand up, he had done so, and then he'd walked to the young apprentices who had witnessed his near fall. He touched the zeltron girl and the human boy on their shoulders and said, "I am sorry you had to see me like this. I hope you will not fear me. I am okay now." The apprentices had bowed respectfully, though the girl hadn't been able to contain her relief and joy so she'd also given him a quick hug and then run off out of embarrassment for doing so. Luke took a sip of his drink and let it warm him, and he smiled at the thought of the girl. He liked that she hadn't let fear of breaking protocol get in the way of that hug. Luke wasn't exactly a sap, but after today, or rather, yesterday, he needed as many signs of affection as he could get.

He was getting those signs of affection in the form of kind words by way of multiple inquiries into his mental state. His sister and niece had felt him almost fall to the dark side from clear across the galaxy, and apparently almost every other Jedi in the galaxy had felt it too because his comm had been in transmission overload for most of the day. He finally had to give it to Ben with the instructions that he tell whichever Jedi who called that he'd had a brush with the dark side because of the death of his wife, but that he had not fallen and he was recovering. No mention about Jacen being his wife's murderer was to be made. He wanted to take a moment to figure out what to do before this became public knowledge, and he wanted to tell Leia, Han, and Jaina in person.

After Luke had assured Kyp and the other Jedi at the temple that he was okay, he had made his way quietly to his quarters. His friends Kam and Tionne, along with Ben, had accompanied him. He'd been weak from fighting the dark side and he'd had to lean on Ben and Kam for support just to make it to his room. On the way, Tionne had taken the opportunity to tell him that this surely would not be the end of his anger toward his nephew and so he might want to consider talking to someone on a regular basis about this and about his Blast Shock, and then also help himself work through his feelings on his own by painting, writing poetry, or keeping a journal of some sort. Luke had scoffed at the idea of doing art, naturally, because he'd never done any sort of art before. There hadn't been time when he was a moisture farmer or a starfighter jock or a Jedi, and so he'd never developed the skill. "That, my friend," Tionne had said, "is precisely the point. This was not your only trial. Feelings of revenge and murderous thoughts will haunt you again whenever you think about what Jacen did to Mara. You need to shock your brain by doing something you'd ordinarily never do. This is on top of you continuing to meditate and, of course, reaching out to us anytime you need to talk."

"Well," Luke had considered, "you may be right, Tionne. After all, it was art in the form of a song that snapped me out of it. Your voice saved my life."

"My voice, your wife's sentiments." She'd replied with a smile.

"I still can't believe she recorded a holocron of it."

They had reached Luke's door. "She wanted to show the future Jedi of your order that emotions were not bad – that love was what gave a Jedi her strength. Having love for a single special person and also love for all the beings of the galaxy is how we stay pure while we wield such great power. It is what reminds us to stay on the side of the Light, even when other emotions such as anger and hatred threaten to destroy us."

"How did you get to be so wise, my friend?" Luke had asked the white-haired woman.

"You taught me." Tionne had said with a gentle smile. "And, though these particular words are mine, the sentiments are Mara's. She loved you, Luke, and she loved the Light in you."

Luke had squeezed Tionne's shoulder and nodded. The he'd turned to Kam, who was looking down at the floor. "Kam," Luke said quietly, "please look at me."

Kam had started to choke up but he did as he was asked. "Luke…"

"You did nothing wrong, y – "

"I almost killed you!" Kam looked down at the floor in shame again. "I gave up on you, Luke. I let you give up on yourself. Why did I do that?"

"Kam, you are one of my oldest and dearest friends. One of the things I respect about you is your wisdom and your ability to do what is right. You were doing what was right because you were respecting my wishes. I was too far gone, Kam. In that moment, barring Mara making an appearance herself, no one else but Tionne could have saved me because she was the only one other than Mara that knew that song." Luke glanced at Ben and winced, "Not even my son could have saved me in that moment."

"But Luke – "

"No, Kam. I mean it, if Tionne hadn't started singing, and if you'd tried to save me by sparing my life, I wouldn't have been able to hold on. I would have been lost. And," he sucked in a breath and shuddered, "I might have killed you all. I'd have killed Jacen but I might have become something worse than even he is. My father's fall to the dark side has haunted me all my life because I've always been afraid that I might turn one day too. Well today I came face to face with that ghost, and I'd not have survived if not for you and Tionne." Luke took his friend's hand between his own two hands and sent feelings of warmth and gratitude through the Force.

Kam had picked up his head, gave a smile, and then turned to his wife. "Let's let Master Skywalker rest, yes?"

Tionne had nodded to her husband and gave Luke and his son one last wave. "Remember what I said, Luke. And give poetry or painting a try – you might surprise yourself with how much it helps."

Luke propped his chin up on his hand as he sat at his kitchen table, and he felt a wave of appreciation flood him. He took another sip of his hot chocolate as he remembered how much his friends and family loved him. _I don't deserve them, not by a long shot._ He looked over at his son sleeping on the couch in the main room of his quarters. After the Solusars had left, Ben had insisted on staying with Luke. He'd helped Luke to his bed and told him that he would stay just in the main room, and if he needed anything to ask. Now, over 12 hours later he was awake and well-rested. But he was still a mess. Luke thought of his family again and how much he loved them. Ben, his beloved son: Luke felt horrible that his son had to witness him almost fall to the dark side. Luke knew more than anyone that no son should have to see their father like that. He just hoped he hadn't scarred his son for life. Then there was his sweet yet fiery sister – forever a princess in his mind. And her loveable scoundrel of a husband, Han. And their daughter – the deadly and honorable Jaina. Luke was so proud of her.

Inevitably, this line of thought drew him to the unpleasant member of his family. Luke grimaced into his hot chocolate. _Jacen._ Luke felt the anger and hatred rise in him again. He glanced in the direction of his bedroom and remembered the hole in the wall he'd made with his fist. He ran through a series of Jedi breathing exercises. It helped, but not much. _Okay Tionne, I'll give it a try._

Luke took out a piece of flimsi and then held an ink pen above the page. He focused on his breathing – _In and out, Luke. In and out –_ and thought about his wife. He began to write as he remembered with a wry laugh how they'd first met: _From wanting to kill me to marrying me, eh Jade._ Then the thought: _Mara's dead. Jacen killed her._ The pain cut deep and the anger rose. Luke made himself try to remember who his nephew had been as a child. _A quiet, inquisitive boy. The compassionate one with a heart for animals._ Luke remembered how he and Mara had danced around each other for years. Such wasted time! He could have been with her for longer had they just been honest with each other about their feelings. _Then we finally got together and we had our time cut short by Jacen._ Luke seethed at the thought. _What happened to you, Jacen? How could you be so arrogant as to think you could dabble in the dark and yet do the right thing?_ Luke's memories of Mara came in flashes: Luke heard himself call her "sweetheart". Then she was lying in his arms crying softly. Next, he saw her beautiful pregnant form when she was carrying their son. _In and out, Luke. In and out_. Luke's flashes of Jacen intermingled with the good memories and threatened to choke him. He thought of Jacen poisoning Mara with a dart. _She must have known right away that that was it for her. Were you scared, my love?_ And finally he considered the question that tore him apart every time he thought of it. _Why did you go alone? Why didn't you let me help you?_ Luke's breath caught in his throat as he realized the answer. His tears spilled onto the flimsi and smeared some of the ink. He could still read what he had written though. _Well, I won't be winning a poetry prize anytime soon._ But Tionne had been correct – the writing had been cathartic.

"Dad?" Ben asked sleepily from the couch. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, son, I'm okay. Join me on the balcony in a minute?"

"Sure, dad."

Luke walked out onto his balcony with the piece of flimsi in his hand. Part of him wanted to share it with his son, but the other part of him was embarrassed because he didn't know if it was any good or not.

"What do you have there, dad?" Ben made his way to the balcony and motioned to the flimsi in his father's hand.

"Uh… well… it's a poem. A poem I wrote. I thought I'd try what Tionne suggested." Luke wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He was still sad, but his tears were stopping. His anger was getting under control again.

"Can I read it?"

"Umm…"

"It's okay, you don't have to show me if you don't want to."

"No, I want to. You've certainly earned the right to see inside my head, haven't you." Luke sighed and looked his son in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry for disappointing you by giving up."

Ben crossed his arms and looked out at the city lights. He shivered. "It's a little cold out here."

"Yeah, it's definitely chilly. I don't miss Tatooine but I hate being cold. That was one thing I didn't have to worry about there."

Ben turned to look at his father. "You don't have to apologize to me, dad. I was disappointed, I can't lie. But that's on me, not you. I had put you up on a pedestal, like most people do, and even though I knew you were sad and hurt and angry, it never occurred to me that you – Luke Skywalker – could reach the point where you'd want to give up and be killed." Ben shook his head sadly, "You must have been in so much pain for you to get to that point."

Luke nodded. He put his arm around Ben and rubbed his shoulders vigorously to warm him.

"Thanks," Ben smiled, "so can I read it?"

"Sure, Ben." Luke handed the poem to his son.

Ben's eyes misted over as he read it. He sniffled but didn't cry. "This is really good, dad."

"Well, I don't know about that, but it helped."

"How did it help?"

"Well, I guess… not to be a sap but it helped me get my feelings out. It also helped me realize some things – like why your mother wrote that note and went off on her own to face Jacen. I couldn't figure out why she wouldn't have had me go with her, and I figured that out. I think she didn't want me to have to kill my sister's son. I mean, Jacen was her nephew too, but he's _my_ twin sister's boy. She knew I've always felt guilty for Anakin's death because I sent him on the mission that killed him, so I think she thought that I would be heartbroken if I killed Leia's other son."

"I've been wondering that too and I think you might be right. It's still frustrating though because I know you would have been able to win against Jacen, and if you had then…"

"Then your mother would still be alive." Luke whispered. "I know. I wish… I wish she hadn't done what she did. But we can't look back at that now I guess. I mean, I know I still will, but we have to try to move on. And speaking of moving on, writing the poem helped me figure out one more thing."

"What's that?"

"It helped me realize that I'm in no shape to take out Jacen. I just don't trust myself to do it without falling to the dark side. It's going to have to be someone else."

"Who?" Ben asked.

"I don't know. But it can't be me."

"Okay, it makes sense. Part of me wants to see you do it because I know you can easily and I want Jacen to choke on his own arrogance, but you're right, if you feel like there would be a danger of you giving into your anger then you shouldn't. Even if we have to send ten Jedi Masters against him, it's better if it's not you." Ben moved to give his father a hug. "Anyway, the poem is good, dad. I'm glad you wrote it and I'm glad you shared it with me."

The two Skywalkers separated and Luke said, "Uh Ben, where'd the poem go?"

"Umm…" Ben looked at the hand which had previously held the piece of flimsi. "It must have slipped out of my hand!" Ben and Luke looked on the ground but did not see it. They looked at each other and Luke groaned as he realized it must have gone over the balcony. He reached out with the Force to try to sense where it was and draw it back, but in his current mental state, which was still overwhelmed, he could not sense it.

"I hope that doesn't get into the tabloids. The galaxy does NOT need to see my pathetic attempt at art. Plus, I'd really hoped to keep Jacen off-guard by letting him think I don't know yet." Luke said.

"Sorry dad…"

"It's okay, Ben. It'll probably be destroyed by a speeder before it gets in anyone's hands anyway. There are so many of them that it will probably just get sucked up into an exhaust system."

Ben laughed. "I hope you're right dad – because even though I mean it that the poem is good, I don't think the galaxy needs to know you as Luke the Poet!"

Luke chuckled at the thought. "Come on, son. Let's go inside and make breakfast, dawn's coming."

* * *

 **Part III**

 **Chapter II**

 _40 ABY, Jedi Temple, Coruscant_

 _04:15:09 hours_

The young zeltron Jedi apprentice stood on a balcony on one of the lower levels of the Jedi Temple. She stared out at the night as dawn approached. What a day it had been. Never in a million years did she think she would witness the Grand Master of the entire Jedi Order almost fall to the dark side. Luke Skywalker had always been a mystery to her. He was like the brightest shining star –untouchable and unknowable. Or, unknowable to her anyway, because she was a nobody; just a lonely new apprentice far from her family. To see him as a fallible human being touched her to her core. She'd never forget when she gave him a hug. She was embarrassed about it, but at the same time she knew it had meant something to Master Skywalker.

A movement caught the corner of her eye and broke her of her contemplation. A small piece of flimsi was flitting down from the sky. She grabbed it in the Force and pulled it to her. It was a bit crumpled, and the ink was smeared a little, but she could read the handwritten Aurebesh letters clear as day. She gasped as she read the words silently. It said:

* * *

 _ **Do I Still Breathe?**_

A Jedi Master should not seethe.

Did you know, at the very start,

she wanted to kill me? But I still breathe.

* * *

A sweet boy: he'd once relieved the pain of a baby nexu who teethed.

She'd come visit on Yavin, but would quickly depart.

A Jedi Master should not seethe.

* * *

Then, in his mind, arrogance took root and planted the dark seed.

Oh and ha! The first time I called her "sweetheart"

she wanted to kill me, but I still breathe.

* * *

It ravaged and roiled and wreathed.

She'd cry in my arms after war after war had kept us too much apart.

A Jedi Master should not seethe.

* * *

And when the last of the Light in him died, it was if he had sneered —

"Uncle Luke, DESOLATION to you I bequeath!"

I remember years ago, I said, "My Love, your pregnant belly is a work of art."

She wanted to kill me, but I still breathe.

* * *

So a poisoned barb into her flesh he sheathed.

Oh! - how I loved all of her, the sweetness and tart.

A Jedi Master should not seethe.

She wanted to save me. But I can't breathe.

\- By Luke Skywalker

* * *

Author's Note: I have a short epilogue planned but that's about it for this story. Writing it was tortured – nothing flowed and I didn't have many flashes of inspiration like I do sometimes when I write. But I think it accomplished my goal which was to try to break my writer's block. Please review if you'd like – I'd appreciate on hearing what you think! I know it was over-the-top angsty, but meh. I'd written this poem a long time ago and then just built the story around it. Hopefully you've enjoyed it (somewhat anyway – I know it's not my best writing lol). Okay, onto the epilogue, it should be up shortly! Oh and in case anyone was wondering, the poem is in the form of a villanelle.


	4. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

 _73 ABY, Jedi Academy, Shedu Maad_

 _21:15:09 hours_

"Good evening, Master Ruune."

Master Aalyrux Ruune was lost in thought and took a moment to register that someone had acknowledged him. He'd stopped in the middle of one of the hallways of the Jedi academy and was staring at a painting on the wall. It depicted the wedding of Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade Skywalker. Aalyrux felt a pang as he gazed at couple. Their happiness echoed his own on the day he'd married his best friend. Finally he snapped out of his reverie and looked at the blue-skinned pantoran Jedi who'd addressed him. "Oh. Hello, Knight Chisu. How are you this evening?"

"Fine, thank you." Knight Tak Chisu hesitated before continuing. She didn't want to be rude and not ask how the older Jedi was, but she knew he was probably not well. Her politeness won out in the end. "And you, Master Ruune?"

Master Ruune scowled and shook his head, making a strand of his grey-streaked brown hair cover his eyes. "I'm angry."

The pantoran looked startled at that. She was expecting sad – or depressed even – but she wasn't expecting angry. Jedi weren't supposed to get angry.

"But we do, don't we?" He said, picking up on her thoughts. "Would you like to learn a lesson that I learned from Grandmaster Skywalker long ago, before he died?"

Tak tucked her violet hair behind her ears and nodded.

"Humans like me, pantorans like you, and many other species experience emotions strongly. It is part of who we are. As Jedi, we cannot be expected to not feel pain, loss, sadness, and even anger. The trick is that we have to learn to experience these emotions and then let them go. I'm struggling with that last bit."

"So Master Ondine then… is she – ?"

Master Ruune clenched his fist at his side, "Yes, Knight Chisu. She's close."

"I'm so sorry to hear that, master." Tak's golden eyes looked down at the ground.

"It is her time, and we've been living on borrowed time since she got sick, I just – " Ruune's voice caught, "I just need to let go."

Tak nodded. "I should let you go then so you can be with your wife. If you have need of company or counsel in the coming days, please do not hesitate to seek me out, master. May the Force be with you."

"Thank you. And may the Force be with you, Knight Chisu."

Master Ruune made his way to the second-to-the-top floor of the Temple, where he opened the door to the quarters he shared with his wife. He found her in the main room, sitting on a hoverchair with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. There was a roaring fire in the fireplace behind her, and she was staring out of the window at the lush, life-filled planet below. Did she still feel part of the living world, he wondered? Or had she begun to slip away? Aalyrux knew, as he'd told the young knight moments ago, that she was close, but whether she had days or hours he did not know.

"Essja?" He called as he came to stand at her side.

She didn't answer for minutes – her eyes continued only to watch the outside world. When she finally turned her head, it was with a smile on her face. "Alex, my love – don't be angry." He smiled at the nickname she'd given him. Patience hadn't been her strong suit when she was a child, and her tongue had always stumbled over his name so instead of the more difficult "Aalyrux", she'd started calling him "Alex" for short. She took his hand. "Do you remember when we were kids and we saw the Grandmaster fall apart?"

"Of course, Ezi. It was one of the most terrifying moments of our lives, how could I forget?"

"It was that, wasn't it? But you know, I think we bonded that day in a way that maybe we wouldn't have otherwise. Do you remember – " Her voice was a whisper now; she was fading fast.

"Baby don't try to speak…" He rubbed his thumb over her beautiful red skin. His voice hitched and he fought back tears. He'd known that her time was almost up but yet he was still caught by surprise that it was now.

"No I want…" She continued, "I want my last moments to be of speaking to you, of hearing your voice, of seeing your eyes…"

He picked her up then from the hoverchair and carried her to the larger, grounded chair that was close by. He sat down in it and took her in his lap. His arms circled tightly around her waist – one hand still holding hers – and her cheek rested upon his temple.

"Do you remember when we hid under the table and I held your hand just like this?" She continued.

"I do. I don't think anyone else saw us holding hands." A sad smile crossed his face as he relished the feeling of his wife's hand in his, yet realized that this would be the last time he would feel her touch.

"Will you do me a favor?"

"Of course, my love. Anything."

"Go get the small piece of flimsi that's in the chest in our bedroom."

Aalyrux Ruune reached out with the Force and opened the small wooden chest in their bedroom. In it held his wife's most precious things. He thought he knew well the contents of the chest but he'd never seen this piece of flimsi before. In his mind's eye he found it, caught onto it and levitated it to his wife's free hand. She'd closed her eyes for a moment and was surprised to find it in her hand.

"Alex!" She laughed and hit him weakly on the shoulder, "I think that would be categorized as a trivial use of the Force!"

"Well too bad – I'm not leaving you for even a second. Now what is on this piece of flimsi that's so important?"

"I never showed this to you because it is not mine."

He was curious now, "Oh? Whose is it?"

"It's Master Skywalker's. Grandmaster Skywalker that is, not Ben. It was from the day we bonded. From the day I held your hand tight like this."

"What does it say?"

"It's a poem, written by Master Skywalker. It came floating down from the upper Temple after he'd gone to his room later that night. I think maybe Ben – or someone, maybe Master Tionne – encouraged him to deal with his despair in some other way, and he took to writing this poem. I don't know why I kept it. I thought about giving it back to him, or when he died, giving it to Ben, but for some reason I held onto it."

Aalyrux read the poem and his eyes watered. He understood exactly what the master had felt then. Here and now Aalyrux was sitting with his dying wife and the air was going out of the room. He couldn't breathe either.

"Alex?" Essja's breathing was getting more tortured.

"Yes, love?" Aalyrux looked into his wife's eyes and saw the fear there. He held her tight against his chest.

"Promise me that when I am gone, if you despair the way Master Skywalker did – if you are as angry as he was – that you will not let it drag you to the dark side. Talk to someone, grieve, cry, meditate write a poem, or do anything to help you. Hold onto the Light, my love. I will become one with the Force, and I will wait for you."

Aalyrux brushed a hand against her cheek and replied, "I promise Essja. I promise." He kissed her softly. "Let go now, my love. Struggle no more."

And Jedi Master Essja Ondine breathed her last and became one with the Force, leaving nothing but her clothing and a small scrap of flimsi in her husband's lap.

Aalyrux sat in the chair until morning. When the sun began to rise he stood and folded Essja's clothes reverently and placed them in her wooden chest. Then he walked over to the fireplace and held Luke Skywalker's poem to the dying embers of the fire. He could give it to Ben Skywalker or to Ben's child, but then, they didn't need to remember Luke like that. And the poem was a part of his and Essja's story now. "And our story is done now, isn't it Ezi?" He whispered as he wiped the tears away angrily and went to his desk. He thought about his beautiful zeltron wife and about how they met and about their life together. Then he began to write.

~ Fin ~


End file.
